Carpet Burn

Quote for the day

2009-08-19T00:39:00.002+08:00

There is a wide and deep chasm that separates "like" and "love"... ask yourself, do you have the courage to take that leap?

Thoughts on existence after 3 days of fever and total loneliness

2009-08-01T10:12:00.003+08:00

So I woke up this morning and I had this amazingly wee-eeeird feeling in my brain; it all started with a stupid dream about my ex, but not in that tortured romantic sense! no no what happened was far more bizzare, it was something like the world was segregated into two castes of society, and somehow she managed to get herself on the upper class, while my friends and I were stuck down in the dredges of slavery, eating guck for dinner, and I was leeching these crystal drugs off her to increase my intelligence ala stat boost INT + 1 it was like the weirdest thing and I was in her old mercedes but then she was flitting off (like she always does) man she can be such a blur of life even in a post-apocalyptic world and I remembered the food they served was all mildly spicy, i mean, MILDLY SPICY why that's like miley cyrus-picy?! and I hated it but anyway it drew me off to this weird tangent about the existence of God, actually it more or less started off from the night yesterday when I was reading this article about the pre-cognitivity of things, like whether things are "fated" to happen, and if we were to be privy to said "fate", would we have the freedom to change that fate, or has that already been factored into the overall arcing fate anyway and whatever decision we have would be powerless?

So then my reasoning turned to thoughts on God; now if you know me I'm a strong believer in the Good Ol' Man above, we've obviously not seen eye to eye over the past 27 years of my life (or so) but I believe that's a testament to all good relationships since well I'm still Christian so that means something must be doing fine! So there's that good old question about "why does God let good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people?" and then I suddenly had this weird weird thought that maybe we've pigeonholed "destiny" and "fate" as a very linear relationship, one that is a simple function of time, when in fact there are quite possibly imaginary factors at play that we have not fully weighed in. So here's my hypothesis, and let me list out my assumption:

Assumption: God is God of All. There's this interesting strand of thought that goes something like "who created God?" My theory is such that this question is actually irrelevant by theory of transitivity of facts. If economic theory 101 doesn't fail me (although that was five years ago), transitivity goes : If A implies B, and B implies C, thus A implies C. Therefore, if the God we know of this Earth was created by some super Mega God A, and this Mega God A was created by some super duper duper Mega God AAAA, and this super duper duper Mega God AAAA was created by The Most Awesomest God of God of God... you get the idea. In the end, the principles dictating the overall underlying "God" would have trickled into each permutation such that each natural permutation was a comfortable representation of the root "God". Therefore to consider any higher permutation above the one and only God that we have now on Earth would be absolutely pointless, because that God anyway would probably be working on the same type of moral conditions (because if He didn't, then the information would have trickled to this Earth and we'd possibly be eating babies and licking armpits for breakfast). So therefore this assumption for me is infallible. Of course, it still appears to the reader as an "assumption" since you may not fully prescribe to my view because I have not fully convinced you with my argument, hence to enjoy the hypothesis, do take my assumption as "fact".

Hypothesis: So what if there are TWO types of destinies that each of us live? A spiritual destiny and a physical destiny? And I can bet you some idiot in some bible school or church camp or some idiot who wrote the Spirit-Filled life has thought of this, but you know, give me some credit for wholly coming up with this myself.

Anyway the root of this hypothesis is deeply stuck inside the random nature and probabilities of events; we know that in life, there are lots of bad events and tragedies. Some (like say, tsunamis, floods, earthquakes) are rather unavoidable, classify this as "Accidental" (although the issue of where pollution is a sin, well that's another interesting train of thought, but lets just say most of these events are due to Earth's natural geophysical movements). Other tragedies (9/11, war on Iraq, Afghanistan, 8 years of George Bush Jr, 12 years of total Bush) can be thought of as "Non-accidental"; human decisions and emotions that finally led to the crystallisation of these events.

All I'm saying is that God cannot be responsible for the outcome of non-accidental events. My reasoning is this; imagine God creates a coin with heads or tails. Now God says "hey Jesus and Holy Spirit, I'm going to flip this coin, what do you think I'm gonna get?" Now the 2/3 Holy Trinity reply "That's not fair God, You are after all omnipotent and All-seeing, surely you'd know the results of Your own throw?" but then God says "Ok fine, since I'm so darn powerful, I'll make it to be a random event with probability = 1/2. How's that?" So therefore if God wills the responsibility of probability onto this event, then He cannot be at once both the master and the subject of the outcome of the event? That would be a null argument, or so I feel.

Hence God's trust and faith in the decision of the probability leads me to believe that there are things that God 100% knows (keeping faith in the Lord and loving all as He loved us) will lead us to truely rich lives and things that God has no clue what will happen (who wins American Idol 2200, whether Cristiano Ronaldo is really worth 85 mil pounds), and I believe that if we keep 100% to the spiritual destiny that God has ordained us to have, as in keeping to His word and trying not to screw ourselves up; then here's the kicker fellas, because we are still exposed to the physical destiny, the one that Darwin and the Earth and Mother Nature and Probability have in store for us. Hence the argument of why Bad Things happen to Good People should only be attributed to physical destiny, as in "it happens because well 13,01,435,768 billion years ago a particle moved at 3.85 m/s instead of 3.86 m/s which snowballed such that the car was moving 10 km/h faster than it should have and hit that kid" or something to that effect. That's a bit of a far-fetched example, but that's the point I wish to make is that, we tend to want to blame God for a lot of things in life that really blow, but the problem I guess is we confuse it really because when God gave us this propensity for life to suck really shitty, He also gave us the propensity for life to be really good and fun too, and I'm not wanting to sound like a nooby-nuck goody-gunky lovey guy cause right now I REALLY think my life is hitting the crapper, but the thing is that God, 2010 years (or so we are led to believe) when Jesus died on the cross and God stopped trying to micromanage our lives He gave us the most powerful thing of all, that is the freedom of choice. In His omnipotence, I believe God (or God of God for you nay sayers) could erase the use of a "physical destiny", and have it such that there are no natural disasters, no accidents, no gravity, no ice-cream probably, but the thing is when you don't have the free-will, then what are you really? Then God would be a zoo-keeper really, instead of a God of a really really smart human race (well, I still think we as a human society are kinda smart, I mean 120 episodes of Scrubs that are still funny, man that's a testament to comedic endurance if I've ever seen, frick on a stick never gets old!)

So in the end my conclusion is this:

If you believe God is the super omnipotent force on Earth and everything else;

Then things either:

a) Happen for a reason or

b) Happen because it's just time for it to happen.

And you either get with the program or not. I've had a lot of (a)'s and (b)'s in my life happen, and outside of the knee-jerk "Oi God! WTF man wah lau no way!" rant that I have, I guess I need something to remind myself that hey you know, alot of things that happen, is outside of my control, and somethings that happen, hey is outside of even God's control, because you just can't have probability working for you all the time, there's a finite possibility of events that need to cater to a finite number of people, so you can only live life with a shred of dignity and a lot of faith in your spiritual destiny, and hope that the physical destiny gives u a FREAKIN break once in a while.

Just a random thought on a hazy Saturday morning.

Kids

2009-02-26T15:42:00.001+08:00

I was having lunch the other day with a friend and was introduced to some of her friends.

All of them were younger than me and had the words "nOOb at work" plastered on their faces. *Sigh* to be young again.

Anyways, lunch was pleasant and when it came to settling the bill, one of them 'nOObs' had the great idea of using his credit card to pay and we would all pay him back. Great idea when you want to rack up some points and need some cash. Why not?

But lo and behold, the little fucker, as if on cue and in plain sight of eveyone, drops a PLATINUM card on the leather binder.

A platinum card?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Granted, everyone can get a credit card in this time and day but a 'nOOb' with a platinum card? That's like a cancer patient trying to grow back hair.

So the only logical explanation I had was that it must have been daddy's supplementary card. And if true my friends, that would be abso-fucking-lutely shameless.

I felt utterly disgusted.

Please, if you want to make up for that pathetic excuse of a penis, get your own card, 'nOOb'.

Ohai. Thanks.

2009-02-05T16:24:00.005+08:00

Everyone dreads that conversation. That phonecall. That sms even.

The one where she says, she's comfortable being friends.

The one where she says she appreciates everything you have done.

The one where she says, she hopes you will understand and not to be sad.

Well I am sorry.

But I am having some trouble understanding right now.

You see. I have this fucking broom right up my ass! So it's a tad hard not to be sad. I hope you understand.

And the purported appreciation? Does absofuckinglutely nothing for me.

It's like the Olympics.

Oh Shucks! you didn't get the Gold. But hey! here's a Silver anyway for your great effort.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Silver is just a candy coated word for 1st Loser.

I really needed that today. You know with all the things I have to deal with, I guess I could spare a few minutes enjoying the probing broom.

Thanks.

Another "what the fuck" statement

2009-02-03T21:13:00.003+08:00

"I've really missed you and I think about you everyday.. I've been pretty happy though over the past couple of months.."

So I can only safely presume that you're pretty fucking happy, missing me and enjoying your life??! Fuck that shit!

A terrible answer?

2009-02-02T23:52:00.001+08:00

"Would you like to go out with me?"

...

"I will think about it."

How's that for the worse answer evar!

The x-box

2009-01-29T23:26:00.004+08:00

"Hey, I just wanted to return you some stuff." She says.

Suddenly I notice the box grasped in her hands. She catches me by surprise.

"What is it?" I retort, my hands reaching out.

"Just some things." She replies, almost sheepishly.

I work the lid off and in an instant my curiosity turns to confusion. Then rage.

The frown on my face says enough. My mouth is agape in silence. My eyes locked on her.

A few seconds pass by before I manage my words.

"What is this?" I say almost in disbelief.

My glance, focusing on the box in my hands. Everything I had ever given her, now staring back at me. My pulse picks up speed and my breathing grows heavy. I can't help but feel totally fucked.

Her feet shift uncomfortably but she doesn't say a word.

"Are you trying to hurt me?" I press on. My eyes shifting back and forth.

No answer.

"What are you trying to do to me?!" Anger seeping into my sentence.

I couldn't give a flying fuck what she had to say. But I needed a reason to argue. A reason to swear and a reason to be pissed off.

"Tell me what you are trying to do??!"

Her lips move but she is hesitant to answer. Clever girl. She's trying not to say the wrong thing and she's probably right to stay quiet. But I want to explode. I deserve to explode dammit.

I am John Cusack in High Fidelity.

"I just want."

"You want what??" I interrupt her mid sentence.

"I just want us to have a clean break." Her voice fading off. She knows instantly that she should have kept her mouth shut. And she should have.

"What???" I demanded. My blood now boiling as I give her no opportunity to reply.

"What do you mean by a clean break?"

"A clean break for you or for me?"

"What? you want don't want to be reminded of me ever? is that what this is?"

I am flustered at this point but my anger is just beginning. I grab the teddy bear resting in the box.

"What do you expect me to do with this???" I must look insane strangling the teddy bear in my grip.

"..I am sorry."

"You're sorry?" I say, exasperatedly.

"YOU'RE SORRY???" I repeat feeling very justified.

She doesn't know what to say and I want more. But there's nothing she can say that will douse the fire in me. And I stop. I will regret not saying more, but I refrain. I drop the bear in the box and turn around to leave. With box in tow I never look back. Not once.

I hope you're real fucking happy now.

What a difference

2009-01-15T18:12:00.001+08:00

So you asked me, "What difference would it make if I was there?"

"A ton of difference." I said.

You didn't ask why.

If you did, I would have told that your presence makes the difference to my day.

that your presence changes my day from a 5 to a 10.

that your presence reminds me that my heart, still beats.

that your presence reminds me that I am still just a fool enchanted by hope.

that your presence reminds me just how much I enjoy spending time with you.

If only you knew.

That missing feeling

2009-01-04T02:20:00.003+08:00

It's hard to describe the feeling of missing someone..

Missing somebody is always a difficult proposition to contemplate. On one hand, its an empty, lonely feeling, the irony is that this absence seems to be taking some solid form in the vacuum of your heart. On the other hand, is the fact that we have somebody to miss a better idea than not having anyone to miss at all? In a sense, its a rather different empty feeling that loiters around the recesses of the soul, so does one have to be thankful that instead of feeling shit about nothing, one has somebody to feel shitty about?

I've had my fair share of this missing feeling for the better part of the year, but none greater than the past few months. Sometimes I rationalise it this way; everybody's bound to miss something. I'm sure everybody in their heart is missing a certain thing, be it their childhood, or another person, or their old job, or a vacation, so you know on that level, I don't feel so bad? Because in the train of thought of missing things, I'm just another doe-eyed passenger riding on this track, with next train stop, mental oblivion!

Sometimes I feel missing someone is an exquisite and sweet pain.. think about it, when lets say you're lover leaves you for a period of time, and there's this absence. It's like, you'd do things A, B, and C with said lover, and now you've got to do them all on their own. Ain't that a funny feeling? And you'd be going through the A's and B's and be like, gosh I wish you were here so I could do all these things with, and you'd smile thinking "yeah, she'd say this about A, I know how she loves to do C before A sometimes when the mood strikes it", and its funny really, how sweet memories can become equally torturous at the same time? Such is the emotional magnitude that gravitates the surface of our hearts.

But if there's a more interesting metaphor for missing someone, it would be this;

The feeling of missing you, which has permeated me for what seems like a mental eternity, I've managed to relegate to a part of my mind which does not surface during normal activities. Meaning I can eat, sleep, and pee sometimes without thinking of you. I've tried my hardest to forget about you, or more aptly, to forget to remember you, but how I describe this unshakable feeling I may have about you?

I see your face in the shadow of every thought.. in the sunshine of happiness, a light pervasive shadow frames the moments and reminds me of how things used to be.. and you know my life can go fine for days at a stretch, but its like a busted car going at 60km/h down a freeway, you think everything is fine and then you hit a roadblock and the whole mental vehicle comes to a crashing halt. Or better yet, its like life is a short story, or a certain article, and you're happily writing, the letters are strung together to make sentences, and the sentences grow longer and longer as you try to fill your life with as much inane things to make you forget about everything, but then there has to be a full stop somewhere. And you to me are that full stop which brings the whole sentence to an end, and its like at the end of every future happy moment, there'll always be this full stop which infinitely always reminds me of you, this emotional punctuation which without, my life would make no metaphorical grammatical sense really.. and whatever that is that I do, I can't ever truly say that I'd stop missing you, because I'll always require that fractional moment to stop and wonder what it is you're doing right at this very moment? And if I punctuate your life the way that you've punctuated mine?

So yes missing someone is truly a blessing and a curse at the same time.. but right now, its alot more cursed than blessing... But it's late at night.. any excuse for a ramble I suppose..

Chinese Horoscopes

2008-12-29T03:03:00.002+08:00

The place was hustling with noise and chatter as we sit in the corner, whatever cool-about-town magazine, clutched in our grasp.

“What’s your zodiac?” She asks leaning over.

“Pardon?”

“Your Chinese zodiac.” She says again, showing me the page.

The words, ‘Your Chinese horoscope’ glaring at me under the pseudo pretentious dim lights.

“Chicken” I say, as I shift in my seat.

“Let's see...... Chicken’s should watch out for changes in their employment in 2009…etc” She says as her feminine finger trace the lines.

My fingers take over as I complete the lines.

“…Compatible with : Tiger, Rabbit and Ox.” I finish.

Brief silence ensues.

“What about you?” I query.

“Tiger.” She replies.

I grin.

The night is worth it.

Tis the season

2008-12-19T01:48:00.003+08:00

So I guess it's that time of year again.

History dictates that one should learn from his previous mistakes.

Especially when said mistakes relate to matters of the heart.

Over the years, I have learnt the hard way, that you never rush to tell a woman that you are nuts about her.

For no good can come from rushing.

But I now find myself in that oh-to-familiar situation. When oh f'ing when is it the right time to be forth right? to stare down the barrel of a gun? to pee into the wind? to tell you that I am head over heels for you?

As I sit here, palms drenched in sweat, pondering this, something inside tells me that this is the time. But is it?

Fuck.

Pft.

Let's just get with the program. I mean, it's Christmas and if you can't be honest during Christmas when can you right?

The Carpet, It Burns You!!!

2008-12-17T23:00:00.006+08:00

All my life, all I've known is burnt carpet. Ouch.

Imagine you're 5, just a kid. When you're 5, the world seems five times as large. Mainly because you are five times smaller than adults. You're full of starshine wonder. Toilet bowls amuse you. Dogshit entertains you. Booger tastes good to you.

You're 5 years old. You have no concept of love, respect, don't care for money, no clue that life is actually just one big humungous dildo waiting to rape that metaphorical butthole that is your soul. You're mom feeds you, and you're happy. Happiness is a warm plate, not a smoking gun. See what 20 extra years on earth can make you feel like.

But you're 5 years old. Now imagine you're in a big room. Talking like blue ocean big. You're 5, remember? Rooms like that are easy to find, aplenty. You're small!! A little tyke! And to keep up with the theme, its fully-carpeted. Sheepy fleece white, just to whet your hungry imagination.

And so you're standing there, minding your own business, in your own happy little 5 year old existence. Now say you have a friend there. She's 5 too! But you don't dig her, naw. Girls are yecky at that age. It's ironic; you want to do everything when you're 5, except the opposite sex. When you're an adult, you don't want to do anything BUT the opposite sex.

But lets not burst the fragile bubble that is this 260 week paradise of lost innocence. Now imagine the girl (lets say she's a skinny little pig-tailed girl with big wide eyes, a full stop for a nose and no front teeth), invites you to race you to the end of the room. And what's worse, the bitch has ran off first! You're doomed to a bad start before you've even taken the first breath, let alone your first step.

But that competitive 5 year old streak of yours won't let go. You can't win; the odds are all stacked against you; you're screwed. But you're 5; what the feckin' hell do you know about winning or losing? Everything's fun... so you chase after her, running the length of the continent of a room.

And while you're running, and as she turns back just so she can flash her lecherous face at you, to rub it in that she's winning (nevermind that she had a 5 second headstart), you pick up the pace, accelerating towards the end of the room, determined to do your damnest to either win or condemn yourself to an eternity in Hell (although what a 5 year old believes hell to be is also anyone's guess, quite possibly a world full of bittergout and broccolli... )

And that's when you slip, and you're running so fast, you don't realise how much momentum you've built, and your little feet give way to the fast approaching carpet, and that's when it happens.

The carpet, it burns you. You've skinned your knees.

And your little 5 year old physique shoots with this searing pain, which of course will pass in due time, but the abrasions are there to remind you of your folly, and should serve you well as a chilling reminder of your life:

While chasing after someone, you had fallen hard for that person, but all you got for falling for them was burnt.

This is the concept of carpet burn. All my life, all I've known is burnt carpet. Ouch.

Numero Uno

2008-12-17T00:39:00.001+08:00

So this is how it all begins.

And begin it shall.